*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
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SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?