Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
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The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
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