Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
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inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
lmao
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.