Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
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My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
It’s an epidemic…
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.