Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
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I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.