Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
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Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that