*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
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My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Finished stitching this today 😇
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down