Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
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Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.