Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
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me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Single and childfree like Jesus
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
how was your vacation
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Is….Is this an option?
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.