me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
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Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.