@WilliamAder

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

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@Dil_Tron

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

@squirrel74wkgn

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

@OMGSoOverIt

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

@CoreyKeyz

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

@badbanana

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

@TheBoydP

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

@patnspankme

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.