Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

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Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam


[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*


I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.


Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table


Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.


-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.


Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!


Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.