Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
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Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Happy Friday
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO