Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

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Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you


Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all


Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.


Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age


Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.


I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.


[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”


If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way


[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job