Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
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[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
hi why am I like this
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god