ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
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Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
What if the weather talks about us?
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I’m a bad influence on myself.