ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
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[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.