Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
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Very good news from my accountant
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Liquor Store Parking
lmao
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.