Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
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Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Doormats are a gateway rug.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I have many caverns
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*