[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
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let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”