ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
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Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway