Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
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One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto