Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
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Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
This kid will have a bright future.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins