*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
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I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.