me talking to family:
βΆπββββββββ 00:02me talking to friends:
βΆ πββββββββ 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix βPopplesβ series & live action Flintstones movies:
βΆ πββββββββ 1:54:28
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Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
if Barbieβs elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes iβm out
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now Iβm worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didnβt serve onion rings if youβre wondering whoβs top shelf around here
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] youβre a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldnβt be surprised [looks at car] itβs been acting funny lately
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*