Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
You Might Also Like
Poetry is my passion
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues