[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
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Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.