Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
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When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Planet of the Apps.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead