Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
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My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Still laughing at this stupid meme
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.