ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
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my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Me too, bag. Me too….
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.