me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
You Might Also Like
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener