[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
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I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider