ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
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“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
This is the one
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?