ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
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Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.