Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
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My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.