Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
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My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Growing out my freckles.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.