me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
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I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.