ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
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[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.