me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
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[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.