Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
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My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.