ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
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I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.