me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
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When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
crazy
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.