me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
You Might Also Like
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I鈥檓 ready to make some concessions.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
the greatest twitter interaction
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone鈥檚 way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 馃槈
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You鈥檙e an idiot. That鈥檚 like comparing…well…I don鈥檛 even know what, but that鈥檚 just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Here鈥檚 a list of all the things my toddler doesn鈥檛 fight me on:
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.