Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
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My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough