me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
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when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.