Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
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Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Netflix: We have Less
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.