Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
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Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
My sex drive has a dui
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”