@thedad

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

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@antheanton

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

@thesupergrobi

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

@70Ceeks

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

@Tw1tter_K1tten

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

@JohnBadpuns

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

@BunAndLeggings

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

@pauleggleston

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

@Donna_McCoy

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

@IamJackBoot

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

@Kyle_Lippert

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married