Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

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Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?


Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.


I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans


This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.


*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”


My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”


Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.


Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.


Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.


[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married