Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
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foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
When I snag the last meatball.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.