me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
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Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I like crazy people until they notice me
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.