Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
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An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture