Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
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Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman