Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
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therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.