Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
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Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Twitter remains undefeated
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.